When I was younger, it almost felt like the days would last forever. As an adult now, often times it feels like there’s just never enough hours in the day. As a mother, especially, I feel like something always has to take a back seat in order for me not to burn out.
For the past 8 years, I have been doing product development within the fashion/home textiles industry. When K was born, I vowed to not be the kind of mother I had growing up. So I learned very quickly that my career was no longer #1 priority, but my little cub was (and still is). I remember when his dad left, I asked myself “how will we do this?” I was scared but knew (although I was unsaved) that there would be a way. I just could not imagine going back to work after just having my baby. America is about the only country that forces mothers to go back to work in such a short period of time. Abuse, I tell you. Anyway, YHWH blessed me with the opportunity to be home with my baby and finish college during his first two years. After that I did temp or freelance positions in order to get the bills paid, but that still awarded me the freedom to be able to spend the most time with him. During these years, my social life or any adult fellowship outside of church (where he would also come with me) was completely unheard of. So that took a back seat. I was fine with that for a long time, but something happens to your socializing skills when you stop using them and you’re speaking to a child all day long. LOL. Adult conversation is imperative to brain stimulation. He is intentional.
I had absolutely no support and no family around for the majority of the first 2 years of his life. I learned how to be a mother solely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit. He kept me even before I knew what my calling was. I didn’t read any of the baby books, but I did take parenting classes. Truthfully, nothing can equip you quite like being thrown into the fire. I’m grateful now because that exact fire turned to passion for me. I learned how YHWH loves His children, while I learned to love my own child. As I had no one else to call on during that depression, those sleepless nights, not eating, not showering, a baby that never wanted to sleep. I know the struggle is real for all first time parents. But my gosh, with not a soul in the house but me. The struggle was really real, ya’ll. But I’m grateful for it. I sometimes wonder if my son’s dad would’ve been more actively involved at that time, if I would’ve blossomed into the mom YHWH intended me to become. Probably not. I don’t like to ever focus on what if’s because I know that it happened exactly how it was supposed to. He is intentional.
If you have been following me on social media for the past few years, you know that motherhood is my ministry first, but also my passion. The time alone with just K and I was so vital and so, so, precious to me. It’s really amazing how much of the Heavenly Father and His characteristics I see in kids. Especially in mine. K has taught me how to be fearless. He gave me a voice when I had no idea who I was. He taught me how to fight. He delights in the little things I love (like Law and Order: SVU). He is fearless. He honestly thinks he can do anything and I let him believe that. His zeal and faith really ministers to me on a daily basis. He makes me laugh. He gives me prophecies. Don’t roll your eyes, guys. For real. there are times Kingston will give me a word and I’m like.. Mind. Blown. It’s crazy. But it’s real. He has a little attitude which I believe YHWH uses in order to keep ME in check. It’s like a mirror. He speaks life into me exactly when I needed. I gotta testify that for years I have always been the one to encourage folks even when I was going through it. I used to always pray that YHWH would provide that exact thing to me. Welp, I got it. In my little guy. Of course he has a whole bunch of other wonderful traits. I say all that to say that YHWH gives the exact kind of child that you need. Characteristics, flaws, love language (his is the same as mine!), interests, likes and dislikes, they were all tailor made. Your child for you. Or in this case… Kingston for me. He is intentional.
K recently turned 4 (and graduated prek3!!! Insert ugly crying face here) and it is only now that I’m starting to feel like, “hey man, this isn’t so bad I can do this.” I recently started a new job that isn’t as demanding as others and really respects my work/life balance. I can breathe now and have time to make silly things happen like hair appointments. I actually have a social life now. I can eat right. I learned how to cook! I can answer multiple text messages at once without getting overwhelmed. I can carry out a conversation on the phone (for about 10 mins max LOL). I don’t always feel like I’m rushing somewhere. Or like I’m forgetting my head. I can concentrate at work. Blogging, on the other hand, is an area I still need work in. (pray for me!) I can have deep conversations and exercise compassion and respect during disagreements. The past 4 years have really set me up for this moment in time. I’ve learned who I was, how to really LOVE, and how to COMMIT to someone other than myself. Before Kingston, I had absolutely no depiction of what real commitment was. I had to truly learn how to be the mother, raw and uncut, lose my balance, fall, and let Him pick me back up, with both Kingston’s and Christ’s love, before I can appreciate such a time as this. Now, I feel that I have more maturity and experience to offer my son. I’ve made so many mistakes thus far, the good ol’ trial and error way, that I trust in my ability to make proper decisions for the sake my boy and I. I learned that if I don’t make time for myself when I feel like I’m going to explode (which is rare these days because deliverance is REAL) – no one can benefit from that. I sometimes marvel at the reminiscent of those really rough first years as mother and baby. I can’t believe I went through all that. Most importantly, I can’t believe I SURVIVED through all that. I’ve learned so much about myself in the process. Let me tell ya’ll. When YHWH does the humbling, it is no joke. But it was all for such a time as this. Equilibrium isn’t easy but it surely is obtainable. I’m excited to see what else YHWH wants to jam pack into my schedule. At least I know my plate will be full of the blessings of Elohim. My cup runneth over. He gives us the deepest desires of our hearts. Hold on. He is intentional.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9